i love accidental penises.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
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