The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
