Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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