cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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