Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
