You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
