Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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