he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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