stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
