I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
We were destined to go to rehab together
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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