Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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