we're blogging at a bar
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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