I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
