Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
