My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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