Having a random hookup so left but love u
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
