I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
