if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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