Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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