Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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