yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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