my vag is so smooth its legendary
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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