i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
