I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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