I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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