explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
