The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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