You're completely useless in the revolution.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
