Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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