3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
