I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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