I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
