upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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