so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
