What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
