Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
