Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
