Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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