dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
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