i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I just want to make out with him forever
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
