Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
