I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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