looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
