got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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