NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
