I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
