were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
