he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
