i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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