I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
