I think scott just propositioned me for sex
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
